


Don't You Know? Ghosts Walk On The Moon

by InfiniteInMystery



Series: Gintoki's Angsty Mental Moments [6]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Childhood Memories, Crying, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, Inner Voices Be Like, Probably PTSD But We Don't Mention That, Sadness, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, this is just depressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:26:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26313370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteInMystery/pseuds/InfiniteInMystery
Summary: Lately, Gintoki's been taking walks at night. Bad walks.He knows this is only leading to bigger problems, but he just doesn't know how to stop.
Series: Gintoki's Angsty Mental Moments [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1767850
Comments: 4
Kudos: 53





	Don't You Know? Ghosts Walk On The Moon

_You made the wrong choice._

This had become a habit lately, something Gintoki never thought he would do, but there he was doing it anyway. He wasn't sure what it meant, but he knew that if he went to a shrink about it, they would have some interesting things he didn't want to hear about the topic.

He was standing on the bridge again, the old, rickety, wooden one, looking down over the banister at the water rushing down below him. The water was dark in the wee hours of the morning, glinting blue here and there from the half-moon shining behind him, the shadow of Gintoki and the bridge only slightly darker than anything else. It was quiet. There was no one around him to question what he was doing, no one to interrupt the monologue going on in his head. _You could have done better. You owe everyone so much and what have you been doing to make it up to them? What are you even worth?_

He watched as the water rushed and rumbled by, the noise drowning out the ringing in his ears, grounding him. Cold mist sprayed against Gintoki's equally cold face, his skin pale and chilled lately. The spray reminded him of better times, times when he was younger, times when he felt more alive. Playing in the stream as kids with Katsura and Takasugi; taking _his_ kids out to the beach even though he hated, and perhaps even _feared_ , the depths. He had recent memories, watching them build sandcastles and splash each other on the shore, being surprised to find out that the invitation got extended to literally everyone he knew, and now they were all out there by the ocean celebrating for no reason other than because they could.

He should be happy. _I have no reason to be so sad._

Gintoki didn't know why he kept coming, well he _knew_ why, but he also _didn't really know_ why. Was it to drown out the ringing in his ears? To flirt with temptation? To go through the motions to try and silence his thoughts and light up the steep steps to a happier future?

He didn't know, but he found solace standing there, looking over the edge, knowing that he couldn't swim. It was like looking Death in the face, tempting it, tempting himself, taking a moment to really analyze his will to live. Should he fall in and truly give up on trying to get out, the current would carry him away and dump his lifeless body into the ocean down in the bay. It would be cleaner than his other options, would be harder to pinpoint the cause of his death. It might even be passed as an accident.

Gintoki's chest ached. His eyes burned again just like they had been at random intervals during the day lately. He closed his eyes, knew which choice he would make.

Even if it looked like an accident, his friends would _know_. They would know because they could see through his act every day, and they would mourn. It was possible they would blame themselves.

And it would all be his fault. And for what? What would Gintoki really achieve by throwing himself in? Ending the pain he couldn't even explain?

Gintoki chuckled shakily under his breath at the thought, eyes suddenly turning away from the water rushing down below because he once again thought of the Old Lady and Kagura. He knew what this was, knew what the urge was inside of him. He wanted to reach into his chest and squeeze his own heart, crush it between his fingers just so it would finally stop aching.

He knew what he needed to do, but he _couldn't._

 _I deserve this, don't I?_ Gintoki pushed himself away from the banister and turned away. He shoved his hands into his yukata and suddenly he was cold. His eyes landed down on the road before him, the ringing in his ears only growing louder the further away from the river he got. _Killing yourself would be the easy way out, and you deserve to live and atone for what you have done. You deserve to suffer._

At home, Gintoki slunk past his front door like he had never left in the first place, and toed off his shoes. It was early in the morning so Kagura was already passed out in her closet, Sadaharu left behind to protect her from the demons in the night. In his heart, Gintoki knew it was irresponsible of him to leave her behind, sleeping and vulnerable, but he still did it anyway. It was almost compulsive.

 _I need_ ~~_help_~~ _… I need to stop this..._

Gintoki trailed through his house in the dark, knowing every single creaky step by heart, knowing exactly where Sadaharu liked to sprawl out and become a tripping hazard. The massive Inugami didn't even seem to wake up as Gintoki stalked past to his bedroom, the house silent on his floor and also down below.

 _Maybe… maybe I should go see the old hag… she'd know what to do..._ Gintoki let himself into his bedroom, slid the door silently shut behind him. He didn't stop to roll out his futon, went straight for the window instead. He pulled open the curtain and lifted the window to let in the breeze, the chill waking him up a little more. Staring out, nothing was to be seen except the night sky and the stars.

_The old hag will just send you to therapy and you won't even be able to speak without incriminating yourself._

He sat down, made himself comfortable leaning against the wall. He crossed his arms on the window sill so he could rest his chin on it and stare up into the distance, wondering what Sakamoto was doing all the way up there. He wondered if Sakamoto was staring out one of the many windows in his ship, could see the same moon Gintoki's eyes suddenly flickered over to.

_You deserve to rot in a cell._

Gintoki didn't close his eyes, didn't even blink. He stared and stared with his eyes wide open until the image of the moon was imprinted into his retinas, but his eyes never went dry. Instead, they were wet, disgustingly so. Fat beads slipped over his eyelids, trailing down his cheeks in slow rivulets until they disappeared into the arms folded beneath his chin. This was how he had cried every night the past week; silently on his windowsill, the bucket overflowing onto the floor but there was no drain in sight.

One day, he would drown from the inside out.

_You should never forgive yourself for the things you've done._

Gintoki's eyes fixed on the moon. When Gintoki had been a kid, Shouyou had caught the three of them in the middle of the night lying in the grass once. They had all jumped up with an excuse or apology leaving their mouth the second their teacher had sat down with them, but Shouyou had only shushed them and laid down too, his hair fanned over the grass.

“Lay with me.” He had said, and the three of them had all cuddled in around him under his arms, their eyes back up to the sky.

“What are you looking at?” Shouyou had asked in that prompting tone, indicating that he _knew_ what they were doing, but he wanted to know what they _thought_ they were doing. Gintoki had glanced over with wide eyes in wonder.

“Looking at a giant celestial rock floating in space.” Katsura had said immediately. He had only snuck out with them because Takasugi had threatened to drag him by his hair. “I guess it's pretty. It's kind of weird, don't you think? That there's just a rock floating out there, that we're all technically floating around too?”

“Don't think too hard, you'll hurt yourself.” Takasugi muttered.

“Says the guy talking about werewolves and magical powers earlier.” Gintoki had teased, always reveling in Takasugi becoming flustered.

“I was not!”

“You know the moon is where the spirits go.” Shouyou said mystically. The three of them had turned their faces back his way in awe, and perhaps, fear. Ghosts on the moon? Scary.

“The spirits go to the moon, because no matter where you are on Earth, you can see it. They go there so that their families can find them, can look up and remember them.” Shouyou said, and now, Gintoki was sure he had made it up. “I'm sure all three of you have people you know up there, and one day, I'll be up there too. And then one day, hopefully years and years after me, you'll join me. But up there on the Moon, you'll all look back at Earth because the people you love will still be down here searching for you.”

Gintoki's little mouth had fallen open, and he had turned his face back to the moon in awe.

_Those were simpler days._

This was the same moon all his friends could see, the same moon he had looked up to with Shouyou all those years ago. Shinpachi and his sister could be sitting on their own porch, glancing up to it in wonder themselves. Hijikata might be having a smoke break at the barracks, or on his nightly patrol. Zura slinking through the streets like the idiot he was might just turn his gaze up for a second, just to simply look. And while Gintoki was old enough to know that what Shouyou had said hadn't been true, he couldn't help but stare. Stare in remorse, wondering if Shouyou's soul was really up there looking down on him just like all the souls who had been released by Gintoki's own hands. He stared in wonder, wondering what Shouyou's ghost would say to him, what those murdered by Gintoki's hands might say, should they meet.

Gintoki knew what he would say to them.

“I'm sorry.” Gintoki whispered into his arms, the tears streaking faster and fuller. “I'm so sorry I failed you.”

Gintoki wondered if perhaps one day the kids would look up to the moon and wonder about him. He wondered if Hijikata taking a smoke break at the barracks, or Zura slinking through the streets, might take a moment to glance up and offer Gintoki apologies of their own. Gintoki wondered if they were apologizing to him now in their silent ways, the treats Hijikata bought him, the cautious, lingering hands that Katsura placed on him. Gintoki could see the way they looked at him, had learned a long ago how to recognize fear in another person's eyes. Just before, people had always feared _Gintoki_ himself, not _for_ him.

_Every time you hurt yourself, you hurt everyone else._

After mourning for _God only knew what this time_ , choking on sobs so quiet that only Sadaharu could possibly hear, Gintoki fell asleep with his head buried in his arms on the windowsill. His tears dried on his cheeks. And when he woke up the next morning, the sun was out stirring hope in his chest, reminding him that he had another day to turn his life around on its heels, to try and walk the brighter path.

He won't do it, though.


End file.
